Often when perusing newspapers I run across jokes. While slightly off-topic for the blog’s focus, I just had to share! Here’s a selection of Victorian humor to brighten your day:

1. “Ratty taste,” said the butcher, “can’t understand it. Those sausages were not made of rats, sir, and you know it. May be the cats had caught and eaten a few though.”
2. An Iowa farmer bet a new hat that he could cross the railroad track with his team before the train came up. He was lost by ten feet. The distance was measured by his heirs.
3. Mistress – “What a time you’ve been about that egg, Mary.” Mary – “Yes, ma’am; but the new kitchen clock has such large minutes!”
4. It does torment a railroad restaurant keeper frightfully to have a customer ask: “How much will you charge me a thousand for such sandwiches as these? I’m going to build a house, and I think they’d be more durable than brick.”
5. A down-East militia Captain, on receiving a note from a lady, requested the “pleasure of his company,” and understood it as a compliment to those under his command, and marched the whole of them to the lady’s house!
6. What has become of that man who gave memory lessons?
   Oh-he hanged himself because his pupils forgot to pay his tuition bills.
7. They were looking over the prize fighter and enumerating his good points.
   “How’s his wind?” asked the visitor at last.
   “Excellent,” replied his manager. “He can out talk a phonograph.”
8. “Mr. Hawkins,” said she, “I wish you’d decide a bet between me and Mr. Barrows. He says it is only 500 feet from here to the hotel, and I say it is 1,000 feet.”
   “Well,” said Hawkins, “I should say you were both right. It’s about 500 of Barrow’s feet and 1,000 of yours.”
9. “There’s money in stocks,” said the man who is young and enthusiastic.
   “Yes,” replied his seasoned friend. “I’m sure there is. I have been putting half my salary there for the last four years, and that’s all there yet.”
10. Dobbs – Maria, that beast of a dog of yours must go. She has just bitten a piece out of the calf of my leg.
    Maria – Oh, this is too terrible!
    Dobbs – It is a comfort to have some sympathy for once.
    Maria – I was not thinking of you at all, but the veterinary surgeon yesterday ordered poor Floorie to be restricted to a milk diet.

Source: Various American newspapers from 1845 – 1899.

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